Much Needed Laughter in the Wee Hours
I've been awake since well before 3am this morning. I had been sleeping restlessly, trying to ignore an earache, and dreaming the word "Expelliarmus" over and over (I finished the final Harry Potter book yesterday and it's still with me, even in my dreams 
). I finally cracked when the earache also became a headache. I got out of bed, swallowed a pain killer, returned to bed and tried to go to sleep. Shortly before 4am I gave up. Fortunately the painkiller started to kick in and I found myself updating my calendar for the week ahead, making tea and then checking my email. My email turned into checking various people's blogs I keep bookmarked. It's always fun to read new entries on the blogs of family and friends...and this morning I needed a bit of fun.
The headache I experienced this morning is not new. It's just a regular monthly occurrence and I've come to realize recently that it also arrives arm-in-arm with another unwelcome buddy: an emotional dip that usually insinuates itself into my self-confidence and generally sabotages my belief in my capabilities as a mother. These last few months I've become more conscious of this pattern, as my hormones temporarily take over my body and attempt to usurp my thoughts and emotions.
So there I am this morning, sitting at the computer, receiving an emotional lift from reading my mother-in-law's blog (thanks Janet!) when I suddenly remembered a past intention to check out other blogs on the internet written by mothers. Given that it was the wee hours of the morning and I needed some support to counter these maligning hormones (and that it would be just a tad anti-social to start using the phone), I found a sense of community on-line. Reading other Mothering Blogs not only reminded me that I am not alone when it comes to doubting my abilities to be a good mother, it showed me how much humor there is in some of the most challenging moments with our little ones. By 6am I felt refreshed, relaxed and ready to greet my daughters as they emerged for breakfast. I met the day with renewed hope that, though these monthly episodes of self-doubt may continue to present themselves, I can reduce their duration and intensity by drawing on the wonderful community I have around me. Should I find myself in a similar situation next month, I know where I can find some laughter in the wee small hours. As of this morning, my mothering community has expanded into the virtual world.
Here are a couple of links that had me in tears with laughter before the sun was even up today. Enjoy!
http://saneroad.blogspot.com/2007/07/tropical-brain-freeze-shaken-and.html
http://theparentingpost.parenting.com/2007/07/the-questions-t.html
Is this PMT? Glad if reading my blog could be of help. I get lots of
laughs and a feeling of community in reading other people's blogs. There
are some I read quite regularly and make comments on - I don't think those
same people read my blog all that much - I felt flattered the other day
when I discovered that one of the people I read every day actually had
looked at my blog. She has yet to make any comments. But she does respond
to my comments on her blog when I make them.
Susan!
I'm sorry you have been feeling blue. How funny that I was just telling my
friend Cheryl yesterday about what an amazing person you are and how I take
wonderful cues from you in regards to parenting. I guess I need to tell
you that so you know.
Anyway, thanks for sharing, because we all feel that way, often. How are
you feeling physically?
Love,
Penny
Thanks for your comment Janet. Reading your blog is always very satisfying,
interesting, and grounding. Yes, this is PMT! :) The more familiar I become
with its characteristics the less impact it has on me. Over the last couple
of years I've been paying a lot of attention to how it impacts me and now
as soon as I recognize the signs I have little remedies I put in place.
Usually I have a strong physical awareness that the hormones are
fluctating, I can practically feel them coursing through my body. The last
couple of months I've had some form of body work at the start of the first
week before my cycle (when the PMT arrives and then last for seven days).
Last month I had a session of Structural Integration (also known as
Rolfing) and last week I had a massage. This eases my body a little and
reminds me to take care of myself physically in the coming week (eat, rest,
breathe...). The thoughts and emotions around my doubts have been more
challenging but again recognizing their source has been very helpful. James
is very supportive and provides a great reality check when I doubt my
mothering skills. Reading the blogs of other mothers provided a real
breakthrough for me yesterday. This is the first time that my doubting only
lasted a few hours and then disappeared completely. The power of community
with others who share your experiences and remind you that you are not
alone! It is less easy to doubt myself when I have evidence that feeling
challenged by children's behavior is all part of the process and not
because I am personally lacking in some skill that would otherwise mean
harmony for all time :) Community is essential and humor a must, both of
which I now realize will be important areas to focus on during my week of
PMT in the future. I will make connecting with my community, both in my
everyday and the virtual world, a priority during this vulnerable week from
now on.
Penny, I'm feeling good thanks. My previous comment to Janet explains the
physical side more. Thanks for sharing your perceptions of me. It really is
helpful to hear other people's observations when experiencing self-doubt.
It's a good reminder that this is just a moment and it too will pass :)
Thanks for the support.