Mothering Without a Map: Mothers Need Others Pt 2: Ambivalence

“Ambivalence is not mixed feelings, but contradictory impulses and emotions toward the same person…Problems can arise in how mothers deal with the guilt and anxiety ambivalence provokes. Parents who can tolerate these feelings, rather than banish them to a place where they will later explode in actual (rather than fantasized) emotional or physical abuse, are good mothers, not the idealized parent who never raises a voice or feels anything but perfect love for her offspring. Mothers need others to help us know this, and to take the children off our hands when tolerance feels impossible.” (p.182)

I’m in the process of digesting my experiences with Cailtlin’s behavior recently. As I put my thoughts (and strategy ideas) together I keep thinking of this passage from Mothering Without a Map by Kathryn Black. I realize that I am getting better at tolerating ambivalent feelings towards my children when they arise. I am also getting better at recognizing when I need to bring in reinforcements!